Something happened today that I really could have lived without right now. I failed telling my story. I got through the 3rd line and the 4th just wasn’t there. I tried thinking about it, even started over completely and failed at the same spot. I tried to think it through but I started trembling and my mind had gone completely dead. Nothing there. So I apologized and sat the hell down.
Great feeling, let me tell you. Yes, I was assured, and do believe, that it happens to everyone—except I’m the only one its happened to this semester. I am supposed to try again next week. Yeah! Something to look forward to. Except, I was supposed to be done today. And thanks to the rest of my life right now I really needed to be done with this.
I don’t even begin to know how to explain any of this to anyone. Of course, that doesn’t really matter as I have no one to explain it to even if I could.
Maybe I am pushing myself too hard, I don’t know. Yes, I am tough on myself and expect certain things from myself. But I’m really not reaching for that much in life! If I can’t succeed at the things I’m trying to do now, how will I ever succeed at anything remotely important?
i’m losing my love of adventure
i’m losing all respect
for me and myself tonight
i wonder what happens if i get to
the end of this tunnel
and there isn’t a light
i’ve worn down the treads
on all of my tires
i’ve worn through the elbows
and the knees of my clothing
and i’m stumbling down
the gravel driveway of desire
trying not to wake up
my sleeping self-loathingdo you ever have that dream
where you open mouth
and you try to scream
but you can’t make a sound
that’s every day starting now
that’s every day starting nowdon’t tell me it’s gonna be alright
you can’t sell me on your optimism tonight…
no more wish i may
no more wish i mightit takes a stiff upper lip
just to hold up my face
i got to suck it up and savor
the taste of my own behavior
i am spinning with longing
faster than a roulette wheel
this is not who i meant to be
this is not how i meant to feeli don’t think i am strong enough
to do this much longer
god i wish i was stronger
…wish i may, Ani DiFranco on to the teeth (1999)
Or, as Jolie asks, Do You?
Oh, do you have to go crazy?
Is that the best thing you can think to do?
I’m lost without a place to go crazy.I know there’s a sunrise on the other side
to pull me through.What did you do when I called?
Didn’t you hear me at all?
It’s a long night that seems to have no end.
Big stars falling and twinkling as they fall.Oh, do you have to go crazy?
Is that the best thing you can think to do?
I’m lost without a place to go crazy.I know there’s a sunrise on the other side
to pull me through.What did you do when I called?
Didn’t you hear me at all?
…You motherfucker,
I wanted you.Jolie Holland on escondida (2004) [these lyrics from tour CD]
I saw Jolie on 25 Jan of this year at the Cowboy Monkey in Champaign thanks to my friend Chris calling and asking if I wanted to meet him there. Incredible.
I almost told her Spooky Pony Blues from a live tour CD but I decided I couldn’t do it well. That’s almost funny considering what happened today. I really hated my voice trying to do SPB.
I listen to a lot of Jolie. Quietly, and somehow comfortably, deranged. Goodbye California from escondida is particularly apropos lately. Its good to have new, good songs about difficult subjects. Especially given the distinct possibility that the old ones no longer work. Case in point, Bif’s Hold On was not doing much for me on the walk home. I started applying a negative interpretation to a line that I had always treated as neutral at worst. Something like that; I changed the conversation somehow. It ended up undermining much of the previously very supportive message of the song for me. Ani, on the other hand, did speak to me. Of course, in a different way from the last time. This time it became an internal conversation.
Enough self-pity and obscure rambling about songs that are meaningful to me. It would be fine if I could be articulate. Another time.
