I know it only makes sense that I have gotten physically ill, too.
I’ve been fluctuating between various levels of despondency, hopelessness, depression, apathy and general ennui lately. There have been some good to great times, too, and I know I should focus on them. I do try. But one cannot make a life from those moments; they can only be experienced, relished and cherished from within a life that is daily sustained on a more mundane footing.
Getting to that footing seems to be the issue(s).
Lately, some of the issues have been discussed with those near to me (near and far), but mostly haphazardly and generally unbalanced. Unfortunately, there is no single issue or even single cluster of issues. In many cases I can have no impact on the underlying issues; in many they are my own to come to grips with. Most of them have to do with who and how I want to be in the world. Many of them impact how I would like the world to be for others, also.
Some would counsel acceptance. “Accept the things … blah, blah, blah.” While this “philosophy” has its place, it is far less applicable than some think. Blind acceptance of the way the world is may be mentally comforting (to some) but it is a highly dangerous and amoral (if not immoral) way to be in the world. Stoicism was not actually this simplistic, but its modern day versions seem to be.
On the other hand, I am making wonderful progress in coming to accept much about the world in which I find myself. And that is a good thing. Yet, there is much that I cannot or will not accept. Much I would rather not but possibly need to.
This is not going to turn into a litany of my complaints (I hope anyway) and the really deep ones are never going to be here anyway. Some won’t be here because it wouldn’t be professional to out them here. Some won’t be here because they ought to be discussed with others first but for assorted and complex reasons aren’t.
I want to pass on my wholehearted thanks to those who have discussed issues of importance with me lately. Whether here in CU, on long car drives, in that lovely country to the north, or wherever, thank you.
One of my problems, though, is that this level of face-to-face discussion is far too infrequent for me to actually help me get a better perspective on the issues. And most of these issues I will only talk about with a very small, very select group of individuals. Just like storytelling, some of them will be with one person only or perhaps one person at a time. Some would be OK in small groups. Some ….
I think I know what I need (in many areas, not all) to become the person and the librarian that I want to be. And it simply is not possible. I do not mean to imply that it is impossible, but unless someone is going to give me a genius grant or similar it is not doable. And, no, money isn’t the real issue except that it takes money to survive while trying to do what you can with the time you have each day.
Even if I was able to do what I’d like to, there’s still the much larger issues of academia, research funding, the tenure system, and who knows what else that work against the sort of system we need to make any real progress. [I have a post in draft that I started as soon as I got back from NASKO over a week ago that addresses some of this.]
I am not asking for attention here. I know that I have friends and that there are people who care about me. I know that and I even feel it. And that is a lovely feeling.
I guess I do not really know what I need and the bits I do know aren’t so doable.
Where that leaves me I have absolutely no idea. And that is not a good feeling.
6 responses so far ↓
1 inersion // Jun 26, 2007 at 9:45 pm
do you know what you want to do? if so, that’s a hugh step right there. may be you can push yourself a little to take the next step in your journey?
personally, i’m still trying to find myself. in moments when i’m totally lost, i pick up some Osho to read these days…
2 Steve // Jun 27, 2007 at 7:25 am
Mark,
All I can say, fwiw, is I have at least a partial sense of what you’re going through; you’re not alone. I will be thinking of you.
3 Mark // Jun 27, 2007 at 9:56 am
Hi inersion, thanks for the comment.
I have a pretty good idea what I want to do, that is true, although it is still kind of vague. The various issues I allude to pretty much force it to stay vague or almost hopelessly unachievable.
On the other hand, there is still an awful lot of me to be found still. I have made a lot of progress in the last 8 years or so, but considering it took much longer to get the way I am trying to overcome I expect it to take longer still.
Which distills into, “Do I have the time, and will it matter when I finally get there?”
In the end, it is the daily striving to be a better person that matters, I guess.
4 Jenn // Jun 27, 2007 at 10:01 am
Mark, suffice it to say that I know exactly how you feel. Hang in there, friend.
5 Mark // Jun 27, 2007 at 10:04 am
Steve, I know you do. And while you’re here, you are one of the few who I am saying “thank you” to, explicitly.
Maybe I’m just dense, or slow, or obtuse but I need sustained dialogue about many things before I can even begin to get a grasp on them, much less make any real progress. And considering I tend to wander/wonder after some of the more complex ideas out there … well, it just seems like a set-up for failure in these days and times.
Of course, then there’s the whole personal stuff that no amount of talking about with the few people I do trust with it is going to solve. I greatly appreciate the few of you who (I) do discuss these things with me since they are generally the sorts of things that aren’t talked about today. And that has disastrous consequences, except for a small part of the economy. But we’ve had this talk.
Thanks for your thoughts, Steve, and please know that I think of you and your family often.
6 Mark // Jun 27, 2007 at 10:49 am
Hi, Jenn! Perhaps not exactly on everything (I sure hope not!) but I was also The Lorax, so there you go.
You are right though, we are highly similar about much of the stuff that is worrying me. I wish I was (geographically) closer to folks like you, Jodi Schneider, David Rich and a few others. While I greatly appreciate that these folks try and engage me in the sorts of discussions I’d love to have, I just seem unable to do it in a non-face-to-face manner.
The interwebs is great for some forms of communication and connection, but they don’t (yet?) work so well for me for a sustained dialogue; at least not one that actually covers some decent ground in a relatively short period of time. You know, like face-to-face conversation.
You hang in there, too, “kid.” The world would be unbearable if I knew the light had gone out of your amazing and uplifting smile.