And I love that Chesterton quote; so true.

The more depressed I become, the more physical agony I endure. It is perhaps one of psychology’s strangest oxymorons: as the mind retreats into emptiness, the body panics and issues its own desperate call; pain is the body’s survival mechanism and tells us to stop! before it’s too late. And therein lies the third factor of frustration because you know something is endangering your well-being, but you cannot lay your finger on what exactly one should flee.

I recently had a severe anxiety attack. They started during college, and I gradually figured out how to deal with them. The method was rather simplistic, but effective. But this last one was different. The old methods didn’t work, which was as frightening as the anxiety attack was in the first place. After an hour of being overly “keyed up,” my brain finally “quit” when my body was overcome with exhaustion. We humans haven’t quite evolved out of that “fight or flight” instinct–we still have it, but we aren’t being chased by anything and we’ve nowhere to run.

I had a second anxiety attack, similar to the previous one that was different from the others, and though it was awful as well and lasted longer than I wished, I found a different method and fought off the dragon. Should it come again (and it probably will), I will know how to handle my sword better and slay the dragon more swiftly.

Which reminds me of a favorite quote that may or may not apply. G.K. Chesterton wrote, “Children do not need fairy tales to tell them that dragons exist. Children know dragons exist. Children need fairy tales to teach them that dragons can be killed.” (I think it’s in his book Orthodoxy–chapter 3, or maybe 4, is about fairy tales. I’d tell you for certain if my library were unpacked, but the slender volume is still in a box somewhere.)

You’re not alone, my friend. We travel through these dungeons of deep night and think we’re alone because the darkness is blinding. But we’re not alone. If we have the courage to reach out our hand and wave it about, we will find another stumbling there as well. We will survive and one day find ourselves blinded, not by subterranean night, but by that beauty made so much more magnificent because of the darkness endured.

I’m trying to stay focused enough to pass along some of those hugs and happy thoughts to others who need them, too. We all know someone who needs a simple smile and good thought sent their way.

Thank you.

Just saw your post about plans to see your daughter, go to parties, etc. Sounds like a great idea! When we feel awful, we usually end up isolating ourselves, when being around good friends and family and not over-analyzing is often the best medicine.

Feel better, Mark.

I did skip another party at the last minute due to not feeling so hot physically and because it started so “late.” But my friends seem to tolerate it OK. I worry about it, though, as it has happened a lot over the last year or so and only further serves to isolate me. Which is one of things I’m trying to prevent/overcome.

School plans are pretty doable. The biggest hurdle at the moment is figuring out what I’m going to do about Python class. I really want to understand this stuff at a basic, but useful, level. And the next program will be conceptually harder by far. The worst part is not the concept here. I understand classes (object-oriented programming) reasonably enough. The issue is getting the proper syntax written.

Yes, depression does change. Luckily for me, so far, it has been fairly steady and I have been able to learn productive responses and to be able to recognize the onset much sooner allowing me to implement those responses even sooner. But there have been minor shifts before. Now there is something the same but vastly different. But I will get my mind around it somehow.

Thanks for the last two sentences especially. I want/need to believe them both.

I have, though, just implemented an old standby and made a commitment–and hotel reservations–to visit my daughter at Thanksgiving in Columbus, OH.

Here’s to keeping one step ahead of the demons; none too bright or otherwise.

Given your recent status updates on Facebook, I’m not surprised to see this post. It sounds, though, as if you’re coping pretty well, especially wrt your school plans. It all sounds very do-able, despite the frustrations.

About the “something different” you mention early on in the post: my own depression has changed and time or two, and it’s highly disconcerting when a strategy that once worked no longer does. But you will find new strategies. The nice thing about demons is that they really aren’t too bright.